Entry 018.

Day One:
Mom:  Eat, eat!  You should lose weight.  Or in Chinese, it's roughly translated as, you need to lose fat.  After a "light snack" (heaping bowl of noodles) and barely 3 hours later, a 14 dish dinner.

Day Two:
Mom: You need to lose fat.  After a 10 dish meal.

Day Three:
Mom:  You need to lose fat.  After a 16 dish meal.

Day Four:
Mom:  After a 15 dish meal.  I know you don't want to hear this, but I'll say it anyway: You need to lose fat!
And the tirade goes on. 

Me:  Rolling eyes.  Leaves the room.  Slams bedroom door.  (And before this she had said something about a dear friend at the dinner table as well, (said in Chinese while said friend was within earshot and did not understand Chinese but I did!) which had already pissed me off for the evening.)

Lesson:  You can leave home, but when you go back, you can always regress to being that angry fat 15-year-old.   Fei fei!

Entry 017.

So we finally went to visit my folks.  Myself AND my husband. 

I'm showing my mother how to use the computer.  Just the very basics of getting to the internet to read the Chinese newspapers.

Mom: Hey, didn't [husband] show up a few minutes ago? (By then, about 15-20 minutes had passed.]

Me:  Yes, he had to return the Rug Doctor rental.

Mom: Why didn't you go with him?!?!! You let him go by himself?!

Me:  Yes, he needed to return the machine by 11, and he wanted me to spend time with you.  (Which is why I'm visiting!)

Mom:  Oh, okay, but you should always do everything together!  

Me:  *rolling eyes* Okay.  (Easier to just nod and agree.)

Lesson learned:  Just lie to my mother about my husband's whereabouts!  

Entry 016.

Mother:  Who is picking you up from the airport? Me, right?

Me: No, my best friend C is picking us up... 

Mother: Why?! Why must you inconvenience other people, why....and it went on and on....  You shouldn't ask a friend to help you, you should depend on your family....

Me: Because you guys will be busy during that hour--it'll be the dinner rush.  (Reality: my mother's driving leaves much to be wanted. And neither husband nor I want to deal with motion sickness.  That, and I don't want to be driven nuts on the car ride from airport, and be nagged at the first thing off of the plane.)
----------------------------------------------
I, later, mentioned this to C.

C said: "No, you can't ride with anyone but your husband and family, according to your mother at least."

I told her, "That is sadly, probably true, as I was not allowed to visit this year (yet again) without my husband.  Her reasoning was that we're newlyweds still and it's inappropriate to visit family singularly."
----------------------------------------------

Moral according to Mother: Depend on no one but yourself and your family.
Moral according to me:  Here's to hoping that your family is more functional this season!

Entry 015.

If one recalls... I had an interesting conversation with my mother last autumn/early winter, regarding my ability to travel, sans husband. Not long after I purchased the tickets, I had to cancel them. ------------------------ Well, I'll be visiting next week my best friend for about a week. And my mother will not know! (Yes, I'll be in the same town and state as her, but she will get her wish.)

Entry 014.

Me: Happy Thanksgiving.

Mother: Happy Thanksgiving. So are you guys at your in-laws?

Me: Yes, of course. We're spending in there.

Mother: So you're returning on Monday right? So B's new job is closer to your home right?

Me: No, we're returning on Sunday. B's new job is closer to his parents' home actually.

Mother: Oh so you'll return on Monday right?

Me: No, I have a job and it's on Monday. And B drives, whereas I take the train.

Mother: Oh, I FORGOT that you actually have a job. I was just thinking about your husband's meals being tended to.

Me: OMG. Really? His meals??! (At this point, I'm making faces at B who is sitting next to me, while I'm on the phone.)

*Thinking, save me from this traditional gender role thinking

Entry 013.

I call her once a week, or once every two weeks. It varies...

Mother: So when are you visiting in December?

Me: I canceled the trip.

Mother: Yes, you really should not travel during the first year of your marriage without your spouse. Why are you traveling all over the place anyway? When are you going to have the time to work on the house? Have children?

Me: Okay, well, I'm not coming now.

(This conversation re cancellation occurred after 15 missed calls from her, 3 voicemail messages, and she still continues to repeat the 'facts of life' to me.)

FYI, I waited an entire week and a half to return her calls

Entry 012.

She visited a month ago, now. We were staying at the in-laws' house, as my home has only one bedroom ready for use, and no usable couches/chairs.

-----------------------
Mother: Your sister is sharing the bedroom with you and your husband?!

Me: Yes, she is sleeping on the floor, by our bed.

Mother: WHAT?!?!! How could she. How dare you let her.

Me: Mother, it's fine, it's not a big deal. If we had a problem with it, we'd have said something.

Mother: How could you let your sister sleep in your marital bedroom, where you and your husband share your marital bed?! (Lots of ranting in Chinese...)


Lesson learned: Don't invite your mother for an extended weekend. No, don't even consider the pros.

Entry 011.

Mother: You really should learn to sweet talk, even (perhaps, especially) if you don't mean it.

Me: Why would I want to be nice or kiss ass to someone I do not like?

Mother: Because then you'd get something out of it, later. (You should be more like your cousin, because he knows how to flatter people to get something out of them.)

Me: I'm not going to!

Mother: It's a flaw of yours...your inability to schmooze.


Note: This conversation was all in Chinese.

Entry 010.

I recently had a birthday and my best friend (of more than 16 years) came to visit. It was the three of us for most events. Fast forward to today. I returned my mother's multiple phone calls (she left messages about my cold).

She started the conversation with a lecture....


Mother: You asked your best friend to visit you for your birthday?

Me: It was both of our birthdays. Separated by one day.

Mother: You're not supposed to spend any special occasions, including birthdays with anyone but your husband.

Me: Thinking, how old am I? Is this for real?

Mother: So did you guys do things together, all three of you?

Me: Yes, of course.

Mother: No, no, I meant who did you share a bed with? Did you share a bed with your best friend, or share a bed with your husband while she was visiting?

Me: O_O Wait, what? Thinking, I must have misheard... what did you ask?!

Mother: I asked you who did you share a bed with?

Me: In Chinese, you are crazy! She had her own room and of course I shared a bed with my husband!

Mother: Well, that's good. From now on, do not spend time with other people for special occasions, including birthdays....(And she continues in this tirade of ranting) You need to do everything with your husband. It should only be the two of you....hey, are you still there?

Me: Yes, yes, okay, yes.

Mother: Well, okay. I'm going to go. Bye.

Me: Bye.


Lesson learned: My mother is insane. And if I ever consider any group activities, I should say no and just be attached to the hip, with my husband.


-------------
Follow-up phone calls:

I called my husband after this phone call. (My husband said next time I talk to my mother, I should tell her that HE TOTALLY AGREES, COMPLETELY, WITH HER.) [Tongue-in-cheek]

Then I called my best friend. (She said that I should not have invited all these 'friends' and 'family' for our wedding last year. Should have been without witnesses and without officiant, etc.) [Smart ass]

Lastly, I called my sister and left her a message...her commentary: That bed thing is just disturbing, ick. [Yep, I'm still flabbergasted by the discussion as well]

Entry 009

In our childhood days, my sister and I would squabble and hit each other.

We recall this conversation...

Mom: "Stop hitting her! She won't be able to have kids."

Sister: But I'm punching her arm...

Mom just want to make sure that my sister didn't hurt my system, all those times we punched each other as kids.

Punching = impotency.